Now I don't actually have anyone's problems to solve, so I will just make them up.
Let the (fictional) healing commence:
Dear Dusty Smith - Gloom Godfather (I like what you did there),
I have been suffering from a problem where I cannot climax unless I have a dog or a picture of a dog within my field of vision because of this problem I have been sacked from my job as a vet, thrown out of countless rescue kennels and currently having several charges held against me. Please remedy this doggy woe. Please?
Mr. I. Cumovadogs
Well it seems to me you are suffering from Canine Ejaclatoria Disorder, but don't worry it's very common in males between twenty-four and a half to twenty-five and three quarters. May I suggest if this doesn't let up, pay prostitutes to dress up like dogs, or become a monk or go back in time to stop you from wanking over dogs in the first place, you fucking weirdo.
Dear D. Smith - Gloom Godfather (That's a shit name by the way),
Why do you keep coming round to my house, pouring my Weetos into your jacket pockets, insisting that biscotti is bigoted, claiming my toaster is biased media and insulting my cat with ageist terms. Please stop doing this or the police will get involved!
Your neighbour!
Ah! I know just how to solve this problem. If a 'Dusty' should come round to your house offer it money (lots of it) and cheap cigarettes, he will disappear for a few weeks and come back, so do the same again. Rinse and repeat.
Dear Gloomy Godfather,
I am an actor, and the problem I have is that I have recently finished my latest film project, but I've become so entrenched in the role, I don't know what to do, I am constantly bewildered at things I see. Should I be walking down the street, I see a homeless man, all I do is stand there and look confused. Please help!!
Bemused Bystander #3
Watch two girls one cup, you may be bemused but you will be so disgusted you will just leap out of character, you wannabe thespian. Cunt.
That's all from me today, if I haven't answered your plea for help, it's because I made all these up. I'm not actually a "Gloom Godfather", nor am I in any way qualified to answer questions. Plus I didn't ask for your problems in the first place. See ya suckers!
Yours jovially,
Dusty Smith
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